"F***, I haven't had sex in TWO f***ing years. At this point, I'd even f*** that guy there. It's THAT bad!" - A drunk lesbian on the subway, pointing at me.
Yep. Still got it.
Hello everyone! In this entry, I will be telling you about one of the many awkward encounters that I have had with women. Today I will be talking about an encounter that I had with a woman a few years back in Toronto's Eglinton Subway Station. It was a Saturday and I had just purchased a TTC (Toronto Transit Commission) day pass for the subway and bus. For those of you who have never been to Toronto, the TTC has a deal where two adults can share one day pass at no extra charge.
Since I was alone at the time, I had decided that I would ask whoever was behind me in line if they wanted to get in for free with me. I was just trying to be a nice, stand up guy. And if I were anyone but Michael T. Foley, I’m sure I would have come off as decent and maybe even charming. But alas, I AM Michael T. Foley so it obviously didn’t quite work out the way I had planned.
So I purchased the day pass and looked to the person behind me to ask if they wanted to get in for free with me. It wouldn’t have mattered who this person was. There was no ulterior motive other than to be nice and pay it forward. With that being said, the person behind me just happened to be a ridiculously beautiful woman. Whatever, it didn’t matter to me. I wish she could have known that….
Now allow me to show you how I planned for this exchange to go in my head:
Mike turns around to see the beautiful woman about to put the token into the slot.
Mike: Hi, I’m sorry, excuse me Miss. Woman: Yes? Mike: Hi there, I just purchased a day pass and on weekends a day pass is good for two adult admissions. Since I’m by myself right now, I was wondering if you wanted to get in for free with me? There’s no sense wasting your token. Woman: Oh that’s great! Thank you so much. That’s very nice of you. Mike: Oh it’s no problem at all. Have a great day! Woman: Thanks, you too!
That doesn’t sound hard to do, does it? Quick and simple.
Now I present you with what ACTUALLY happened:
Mike turns around to see the beautiful woman about to put the token into the slot. Mike: OH, WAIT!
The woman is immediately startled. Mike wonders why that came out so loudly. The woman quickly looks up to see some weird guy in front of her screaming at her. Mike notices that he startled the girl which in turn startles him. This causes Mike to completely forget what he was going to say.
Many seconds pass. Mike stares blankly at the woman while trying to remember what to say. She stares back nervously, clutching her purse. Mike: Um… Several more excruciatingly painful seconds pass. Mike looks down at his day pass and to his excited relief, he suddenly remembers. His mouth begins to blurt out words before checking it through with his brain. Mike: Er, uh...hey!!! Woman: Um…hi... Mike: Wanna split this???? Mike emphatically points to his day pass. Woman: Uh...
Mike realizes that he is not being particularly clear or articulate with his offer. Wanting to clear up any possible misunderstanding, Mike attempts to clarify that he is not looking for any money from her.
Mike: Er, I mean…IT’S FREE!
The woman is clearly creeped out. She avoids making any eye contact with Mike and starts to decline.
Woman: Um, n….
Mike notices that he is STILL not making any sense. He nervously begins to chuckle and cuts the woman off mid-sentence so he can explain the situation and prove that he’s not some creepy guy. Mike quickly racks his brain to come up with the least creepy and most innocent way to explain the day pass to this woman.
Mike: Haha, I’m sorry! Blah! I can't talk today! What I meant to say is…would you like to be my other adult?
A look of sheer panic splashes over the woman’s face. She needs to get out of this situation NOW.
Woman: Uh…uhhhh…no that’s okay!! She immediately inserts her token in the slot, looks down at the floor and briskly speed walks in the opposite direction of Mike never to be seen again.
And that's how you do it. Boom.
if the roles were reversed, we'd hire you! writing samples available upon request